Let go
off me,
She
cried out loud in her mind to the becoming of her shadow
I’m not
coming back
You hear
me?
She
lied, as she laid wide awake in bed in her husband’s arms that night
She
felt like she’d retreated into the dome of her soul again.
Jahnvi couldn’t believe Prantik
had just refused a vacation together! “Prantik, are you serious? No vacation in
two months? But we always go for our mid-year break!” Jahnvi had come to
Prantik’s side of the bed and was laying on top of her husband. There was
mischief in his eyes but his jaw was straight so obviously he was getting back
at her.
Prantik crossed his hand behind
his head and lay straight on bed, feeling Jahn’s warmth on him after a few
months now. He wanted to smile and wrap her in his arms but he thought, “Jahn
you gotta taste your own medicine.” He firmly said, “No Jahn, no vacation this
year. I’m serious.” At that Jahnvi said, “But why boo why?”
“Because you hate a straight
game. Because you hate stability Jahn.” Prantik said without restraint. He
added, “you hate monotony so a vacation twice a year is a monotony, isn’t it?”
He thought he was playful enough and both would end up making love, dissolving
the recent reticence but he couldn’t be more wrong.
Jahnvi stood up and hands on
her head she just stood at the edge of the bed quietly for like almost 5
minutes. She slowly repeated Prantik’s words, “I hate stability.”
She then got on her side of the
bed with robot like movements and switched off her side of the lamp. Prantik
didn’t realize that time that his wife had retreated into her past shock. He
thought, “Baby you can’t be the only one throwing tantrums you know.” He turned
on his side and went off to sleep.
Jahnvi lay awake the whole
night. She ddin’t turn or move, she’d just retreated into a hollow space. She
had a feeling of something big happening inside of her. It was like her old
demons had visited her presence in the wake of Prantik’s comment about
stability and her.
The next morning, she woke up
before him and prepared his breakfast. He came outside in the living room,
dressed for work and as he approached the table, he didn’t know what came over
him, a sense of need to protect Jahn that he put his hand gently on her hand
when she was serving him toast on his plate.
Jahnvi looked up and smiled. A
smile that would never let him know what she was thinking. She kissed him
goodbye and Prantik thought, “God, I got scared for a minute.” He left the
house and as he was getting into his car, he looked up at the sky feeling
uneasy for the first time since he’d left Jahnvi unannounced when they were
dating. He shuddered and got into his car uncertainly. He felt a sense of
premonition that didn’t allow him to focus at work that day.
After Prantik left, Jahnvi
cleared the table with Neetu’s help and then settled on the chair at her writing
table in their room. She was blank since last night. She needed to distract
herself. She started typing on her computer. It was the latest for the
entertainment section of City Times. She began determinedly:
Paps!
Boon or Bane?
In the recent event of the paps
clicking away Kareena Kapoor’s toddler Taimur without restrictions; not
allowing the kid any privacy, I want to ask you insiders whether you think the
recent paparazzi culture in Bollywood is a boon or a bane?
“Why the fuck am I concluding
my feature on paps in the beginning paragraph?” Jahnvi thought out loud!
“OMG! I’m actually typing why I
can’t write lately?!” Jahnvi covered her face with her hands, elbows placed on
her thighs, bending down, she cried! She thought, “God please don’t take me
back! Please god!” Prantik’s words, “Jahn because you hate stability,”
reverberated in her ears and shook her to her core.
She wiped her tears clean and
went in the living room and settled on the purple sofa. She wasn’t in control
anymore. Everything from here would be without feeling a thing. She knew she
was turning cold again. She took her phone and randomly started “gramming”. As
she tried to focus on what some influencers were talking about, she felt a
sense of withdrawal. She was seeing the screen but she was somewhere else
mentally. She was tripping back to the cold and lonely days without Prantik
when he’d ghosted her years ago. She thought about all the time she was scared
and vulnerable about her future. She was like a zombie, just going through
motions of life without feeling anything.
Prantik returned home early
that day. Jahn served him dinner and Prantik could feel that Jahnvi wasn’t
present with him. He felt a sense of panic forming inside him. He said, “Babe,
you go sleep. I’ll clear the mess on the table. Neetu will help me.”
Without responding, Jahnvi got
up and walked towards the room like a moving dead body. She laid down on the
bed and stared at the ceiling above her. Prantik helped Neetu but the darling
just guided him to rush to the room for madam. Prantik didn’t show he was
scared so he got on his side of the bed but caught Jahn’s hand and pulled her
into his arms. She laid there silently. No smart comebacks, no dissing just
like doing what she was expected to do. Suddenly she said, “How much money do I
have in my personal account boo?”
Okay now Prantik was freaking
out. He stroked her hair and said earnestly, “I don’t know Jahn. I haven’t
checked your earnings from the publication in years. Like when we’d decided
after marriage that you’d save that money for emergencies, I stopped checking
your stack of dough.”
“Can you send me my HFC online
banking password tomorrow? I’ll check it tomorrow.” Jahnvi said unaware of her
husband’s building tension.
“Jahn, what do you need the
money for?” Prantik asked cautiously, still holding onto his wife’s waist.
“I’ll write a book with it.”
She said as if on rote. Prantik calmed down a little. Jahnvi thought, “At least
part of it is true.”
Jahnvi then turned on her side
of the bed and drifted off to sleep without a care in the world.
Prantik laid awake the whole
night. He just had a premonition about something and he hoped to God that it
wasn’t true. If it was, he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself ever.
He pulled closer to his wife, gently
held her the whole night while she slept peacefully.
That night, Jahnvi dreamt off
the awful and unbearable past where she’d walked aimlessly on the city streets
early morning, her soul dwarfed suddenly, but the careless whisper haunted her
to return to the past of the unknown again. The uncertainty of surviving came
back in a shock.
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