Her life was split in two
Normality seemed grey
He put her in a spot
She promised both her selves then – She would be there for him everyday
Living in with the twin
Jahnvi said to herself: “Nothing fits!”
After cooking a lip smacking meal for them, she shuffled her wardrobe for something suitable to wear to dinner but her belly was three months out and her designer wear refused to stretch. She literally pulled all her outfits out of her drawers and yet couldn’t find anything. In dismay, Jahnvi whispered to her twin, “Discuss a maternity wardrobe with Prantik. It will be fun short listing the newborn’s closet as well as yours over dinner.”
The split thought angrily, “This woman can only think of her husband and kid all the time! She doesn’t leave me alone!! Ask Prantik this and discuss about the baby that..!!!” Just then her eyes flew to the secret corner of their wardrobe and she smiled in satisfaction. She put on her XL tracks and an over sized T-shirt.
The doorbell rang and Neetu answered while she sauntered into the living room.
Prantik had decided that no matter how much time it takes, he would observe and identify her split’s character, on his way home.
Prantik: “Hey! So Sita or Gita?”
Jahnvi laughed and said, “Feels Gita since morning.”
Prantik noticed the baggies on her and was put off. “Anyway, I’m just going to shower and let’s get something to eat okay?”
No sooner were they in the midst of enjoying the steak and she was about to gulp some milk from her big mug, Prantik interrupted her careless demeanor, “My wife’s pretty meticulous. She would even have milk out of a wine glass if that is her prescribed drink right now.” Prantik was relieved that Jahnvi was avoiding alcohol almost instinctively. He was now sure about one thing – Jahnvi split or not would always be protective about the baby. But why was her split so careful about that?” He wondered and then he added a touch of genius, “Also, my wife is always dressed for our dinner dates. Oh! And she is a size 4.”
Jahnvi’s split was perplexed at the same time she was getting to know who Jahnvi was. She focused on her steak and remarked, “Oh your wife is a goody- too-shoes.” Okay, alert and suddenly aware he didn’t like Jahnvi’s split, he continued, “If she were you, she’d consult a dietician to stay in shape while in pregnancy too.” With that he tried not to smile in satisfaction and left the table almost dismissively.
Jahnvi’s split couldn’t see the devious satisfaction on her husband’s face as he walked towards their bedroom.
“It’s good to hurt that broken piece of arrogant shit! Calling my Jahn ‘goody- too-shoes!!” He would continue to remind this careless trash, dressed in tracks for dinner, who had no self-love and self-belief, who wanted to hide her low self-esteem in the absence of her man by wearing inauspicious bags on her, that his Jahn was a sophisticated, married woman until his wife completely dominated her split at all times.
The split seethed in her chair, paralyzed with rebel that minute. She didn’t return that night. She went to bed realizing, “Hiding the fat – loss of self worth after Prantik was gone – trauma and shame. Hide- go unnoticed .” She didn’t return until after a month after that night and continued to binge watch Netflix and swipe on Tinder.
Perceptions are built by what you perceive yourself as:
Neutrality is but the most stable energy
After a month:
Jahnvi was busy lazying on her bed when at around 7 pm her neighbor visited them. Mrs. Deshpande was an elderly widow with both her sons settled abroad and she was usually on a, “Must visit this one and must definitely know what’s happening with that one,” tyrant as a way of life. But she was a good neighbor and with something about her motherly personality, it wasn’t difficult for Jahnvi to take over with her. “Let me come back,” whispered Jahnvi to her split. “No!” The split screamed in her head.
Mrs. Deshpande: “Sweetheart, I heard you’re expecting, I got you a cake. Don’t worry, it’s homemade and it’s made from 'Gundar'. It’s good to keep strength in these times. You’re diabetic so it’s perfect for you. No sugar.”
Jahnvi’s split was touched and at that minute she acted like a neutral adult. Split or not, her rebel self had taught her to not air her dirty laundry in public. To be nice to everyone. Distant, but nice. Being neutral with people was giving your self the permission to stay private in general with people at large.
Jahnvi: “Oh thank you aunty!” She said that with love for humanity.
Mrs. Deshpande: “Oh don’t worry about it beta, it’s what good neighbors do. By the way, did I tell you about the D’Souzas’ dog? He fled home and into a fight with a stray dog and the poor lot had to take a trip to the vet in the middle of the night to check for infections! How can they be so careless as to leave their door unlocked when Leapord wasn’t leashed?”
Jahnvi enjoyed this indifferent gossip and smiled. She didn’t add her opinion but said, “It’s okay aunty, it happens to the best of us. One can never be too careful, you know how it is.”
Mrs. Deshpande sighed and continued, “Ya well... Jahnvi do you know my granddaughter is off to writing school?”
Jahnvi was delighted and she said, “Wow, that’s great aunty! I’m always here if Tara needs any help.”
Mrs. Deshpande loved this sweet woman and rose to leave after thanking her for her time.
Once outside the Saxenas' residence, she wondered out loud, “ So the Saxenas' are sweet but they mind their business most times. Maybe something spicy going on in their life!” She placated herself and returned happily like a typical neighbor who would now mention to the Shahs' about how private the Saxenas' were.
Jahnvi’s split returned to the room with the cake and missed a proud smile on Prantik’s face when his Gita turned to place the cake on the bedside desk. Jahnvi’s split learned to live with Jahnvi’s husband and viewed him as a friend now and neutrally asked him, “Want some big belly special cake?”
Prantik stretched in bed and said, “Hell yes woman! Let’s binge on it the whole night.”
Prantik was clear that Jahn’s split was a neutral human being and her split was in control, so far, only with him. She still wanted to go unnoticed in tracks but he would wait.
After two months:
Trigger 1 –
Prantik: “Hey, my doll or Gita?”
Jahnvi was tired of the humor so she resigned and said, “Ya Prantik what is it?”
“Okay it’s my doll, so I’m leaving for London for work for a week and you just take care of yourself. I have cautioned Neetu about any unforeseen so she’ll be with you at all times if you need her. Work calls man. I may be unavailable too.”
Suddenly Jahnvi’s split was scared and she came alive. She didn’t say anything and rubbed her belly. Then she realized, split or not, she had her baby coming in so with or without this jerk she’d have to take care of herself as priority.
Jahnvi: “Whatever man, have fun, take care.”
Prantik left the next day and she was overcome with the responsibility for the baby. She called her dietician, Dr Revati.
“Hi Revati, is it a good time?” Jahnvi asked knowing she was dominating her split to prevent smoking and made sure she ate for two.
“Hi dear, how can I help? Exercising right? Like I told you, just walk out for an hour everyday instead of using the treadmill and eat dry fruits when you can. All on track?” Dr Revati replied while signing off some papers in her office.
“Yes Dr, all on track. I just called to ask whether I am allowed some toast sandwiches now and then if the craving occurs and if I’ll put on weight with it,” Jahnvi responded concerned.
“Don’t worry a zilch about it. Eat your favorite food but just maintain the limit.” Revati said multitasking.
“Okay Doc. Thanks.” Jahnvi hung up and as much as her split wanted to smoke she instead lay down on her yoga mat and stared at the ceiling in vain. She knew she couldn’t write until she had a smoke. "Well, that’s not happening at the stake of anything around the baby’s health!" She thought out loud and got up and counted her step-o-meter while walking around the house.
Although split, Jahnvi promised herself, always, both of them would be protective about the baby.
On the day of delivery:
Identification of the cause-
After four months
Jahnvi was in labour. Her split controlled her from calling out to Prantik but she managed to fight her and yelled out to her husband working in the study. “Prantik, it’s time!”
Prantik ran out of the study and reached Jahn sadly but swiftly, in no hope to be able to share this beautiful moment with his wife and simply picked her up in his arms and got into the elevator.
Jahn came back. The memory of Prantik picking her up as they entered their home, eight years ago, on their wedding night came rushing back to her and she limply held on to his vest.
Their eyes met and Jahnvi was crying. He didn’t know who it was since both her sides were neutral when the baby was concerned. He was tensed as fuck and reassured his wife, “Jahn, I’m here. It’s going to be okay. Trust me.” With that he got into the car and placed the seatbelt firmly around Jahn.
Jahnvi held onto his vest and said, “I have missed you. It’s been so long being without you.”
Prantik was jubilant that minute. There was a God after all! He was sharing this moment of a lifetime with his Jahn!! He said excitedly, “Jahn! Rihaan’s gonna pop out any minute!!! Breathe baby. Breathe in and out. We’re almost there!”
Jahnvi reached for the car player and put on some Prem Joshua and smiling in hope she bore the pain of labour fully aware that she was present, in this moment, with her husband and about to bring to life Prantik's and her trademark in the world. She chanted OM silently on the rest of the way.
Prantik informed his parents and in-laws about the good news and invited them to the hospital.
Jahnvi was resting on her bed in her room when his mother-in-law burst inside and Jahnvi wasn’t blinking anymore.
“Jahnvi! What did I tell you? You don’t remember anything! I have to do everything for you. Wrap the child beta. Get the nurses to hurry with the registration!!” His mother-in-law continued to treat Jahn like a kid when Jahn, tongue tied, lost the joy of being the mother. She just listened to her mother and grabbed her phone and went on a shopping spree.
Prantik noticed this but didn’t say anything. He leaned on Jahn and saw that she was ordering tracks and t-shirts!
He made her realize again, “So my Jahn knows exactly what to wear and when. She would prefer something smart yet comfortable for maternity wear. Also, she isn’t afraid to stand her ground with her mother because she isn’t her kid anymore. Jahn’s perfectly capable of making the right decisions for her family and herself.”
Jahnvi’s split took over and she demanded, “Prantik here, get the baby, our kid will become a business tycoon. Let me fuss over him.”
Prantik did as she said and reminded her again who Jahn was, “My wife would have sent me to London with exact sizes and measurements to align her maternity wardrobe for her. Also, she is a liberal. She believes that it’s not the profession of people that determined their success in life. It’s what they think and how they act with dignity. She’d be proud of her son even if he was a waiter because she would know he was their son and would follow any passion dedicatedly, that his parents can show him a good time in life despite what he chooses to become.”
Jahnvi’s split was fully aware that day that Jahnvi was a respectable human being and that she carried herself with dignity. Jahnvi came back and grabbed her phone and cancelled her endless order of tracks and T’s. She charged the cancellation fee to Prantik’s card and ordered a dozen Bomber Jackets, front open lingerie and Khaki pants. The bombers made sense while feeding Rihaan. Zip up and down simply.
Prantik held champ in his arms and looked out of the window aimlessly when his phone buzzed with the cancellation fee notification and he smiled. He laughed and told champ his mother would forever comeback in a few years.
New from the Old
After two years:
Gita and Prantik were chilling in the room. Gita was busy on Tinder feeling good about herself while Prantik hid his phone behind the book he was reading in parts, replying to Jahn as her Tinder match. After so many years, Tinder guys knew that he was Raj, Rahul, James, Aloysious and many more.
Jahnvi, “So I think that writers are a free spirit and they should be given the right environment to flourish.”
Raj/Prantik: “Of course Princess. Lol”
Just then Rihaan, now two, started screeching for his bed time feed from his crib in the adjacent room to theirs.
Jahnvi didn’t move. Prantik got nervous.
Jahnvi’s split continued to type, “I can’t write anymore since I don’t smoke and you know…” At the same time she pulled her robe from the chair and got up and walked into the baby’s room.
Jahnvi was helpless. Her split was refusing to attend to the baby. Jahnvi cried a tear powerlessly almost begging the split to let her have her baby when Jahnvi took over. Wiped her tears and with great strength walked caressingly to her child and settled on the bed with him in her arms. The baby cooed and helped himself to his feed.
Jahnvi took out a book from the bedside desk and read lovingly to her boy while he nursed.
A Digital World of Digital Citizens – A book by Julia Gilbert
She began, “So Rihaan”, one hand soothing his head and the other balancing the book she read, “ There was once a 1 year old Jack who on his birthday was gifted a computer.”
Rihaan: “Ooo, oo…” As his chubby arms reached out to touch her face innocently as if understanding the story. Pure love.
Jahnvi smiled and continued, “His parents were confused since Jack was so small and this was a computer. No point. Little did they forget that Jack was born in the age of AI and a computer was but a dummy for starters!” She laughed and Rihaan fell asleep after his feed. She put him back in his crib and returned to Prantik.
Prantik smiled that boyish smile and pretended to read that book on, ‘The latest laws of Python.’ He smiled ear to ear and said, “Good Job baby, but you could have done better.’
She knew he was teasing her and picked an unnecessary argument with her husband like any regular wife.
“God Prantik, better? You’re such a Pollyanna.”
“What anna?”
“Clearly your big books don’t teach you about life. Means you’re so positive- not!” She teased sarcastically.
“Jahn, these books pay the bills you know.” He was loving the banter after three whole years.
“Well, man and his money.” Said Jahnvi airily.
Prantik reached out and grabbed Jahn next to him. He said, “Jahn I want my wife tonight.”
Jahnvi blushed and was about to reach for his collar when she jumped out of bed and grabbed her laptop.
Moment of Epiphany and she didn’t need a smoke to write this one!
Second Tenet to normalizing mental health:
Affirmations
Remind the patient who they used to be before the calamity of the mind doubting. That’s why it’s best to stay neutral when you lose yourself as a patient. It’s best to be around the people who have known you all your life. Their love and constant reminder of your old self, your true self, reinforces faith and the lost confidence. Then it becomes easy to stay above waters of depression which bring self-doubt and result in negative or unusual behavior while you’re healing from the mental constraints called mental illness of any sorts.
Neutrality keeps responsibility alive and you act, although robotically, for some time until it becomes your defense from exposing your vulnerability to the world at large.
That’s why they tell teenagers to stay busy after a breakup so they stop thinking about their past, temporary attachments and move on in a dignified way.
Constant reminder of how fun they were or serious they were as individuals and what their behavior pattern was before the mental illness shocked them is a powerful way to affirm positivity to patients that bridges the gap between who they were and who they will become in future.
Jahnvi saved the word doc and climbed onto Prantik in his waiting arms who was hatching a POA, as it was time to deal with the real cause of the shock and trauma that caused his doll to adopt a split and bring one closure of the illness for good.
They made love that night. As Prantik and Jahnvi. As man and wife. They slept like babies after three years wrapped in each others arms.
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