Where could she run?
Time was now to be close to her son
But she was drenched in shame for she could not
Her tiresome job of destroying herself overpowered her to have no account
Or
Control over her life
So it became easier to hate herself more with every cigarette she smoked
Dying a carefree death everyday
After 4 months:
Ever since Prantik hinged the doubt of smooth talking with Jharna, she could have been his sister on all grounds of a benefit of doubt, but Jahnvi’s over consummate obsession of having Prantik all to herself wept her out in no time.
All day, all night long, not anymore in bed together with her husband (Prantik slept in the guest bedroom now), her nights were cold and dark. She didn’t have any control on her split that took over her from that fateful night on. She neglected her three and a half year old son on most days, locked in her room, not washed in days. Jahnvi’s communication in the family had come down to zero.
All she thought in vain was that she had lost her husband. To her insecure split, it was like life had thrown her away in the dumps without his love and affection. That pain that the self imposed insecurity caused Jahnvi was unbearable that took her way from the reality of daily life. She no longer wrote and she no longer ate.
Neetu took care of Rihaan on most days and on days when Jahnvi felt a bit of connection with her true self, she would waste in vain to reconnect with her son. Her Spiderman had but become a memory to her now. How powerful was she just a few months ago after achieving a closure to her split with her mother and that same instant, from that day on, she lost control and domination over her split.
Jahnvi’s split literally controlled every aspect of her life. Her split prevented her from being healthy and happy. It was like she had reversed her dreadful traumatic days back to when Prantik had left her and she sought the inflexible control cigarette abuse had on her.
Jahnvi was a skeleton. She smoked in stress, she smoke in an adrenaline; she smoked when she witnessed her son shy away from her in innocence and self defense; after all he was raised by a caring mother who had now turned into a grudgingly carefree individual who rebelled her family suffered every ounce of pain she felt – For her husband had eluded her and was no more hers to be called for good.
On some days:
7 am-
Rihaan: “Mommy! I am hungry!! Where is my breakfast and where is my school bag?”
Jahnvi failed miserably to dominate her split and carelessly rubbed off her son a very wrong and regretful way for good from that day on.
Jahnvi’s split: “Breakfast? There’s some chicken curry left over from last night’s dinner, let me heat that and eat it with bread. That should work. No fuss.”
Somehow his mother seemed alien to him now. He was used to his brownie oats, eggs and milk and his school bag packed beside him. At three and a half, a sense of disciplined superiority made him react beyond his years but with a disposition of a hurt child. He said sternly but breakingly, “I don’t eat that. And I don’t like you Mommy!” All the while tears staining his cheeks.
Jahnvi: “Oh common Rihaan, don’t be such a wuss. Be rough, be weather beaten. I have spoilt you enough.”
Prantik came rushing into the kitchen and forgot that this was in the middle of his wife’s homeopathy. For the sake of his son, to protect his innocence and comfort he was born with he yelled, “Jahnvi! That’s not how you will raise my son!! Neetu, take baba into his room, make his breakfast, feed him and ask the driver to drop him to school since he’s missed the school bus this fourth time in a row.”
Neetu came rushing into the dining area and took the crying Rihaan from earshot. She fed him his regular morning diet and protectively stashed him into the car to drop him to school.
Jahnvi’s split: “Oh what a waste of a young man, cushioned with comfort. He needs to be rough!” With that she bunned her messy hair and walked back into her room.
There was a moment of recollection of her old self and she cried out loud, “God I hate myself!” And then her split took over her. She sat cross legged on the foot of her unclean bed and lit a cigarette. “A cigarette is the answer to all the pain I feel. Yes, let me destroy myself more.”
Prantik sank into the chair at the dinner table with misery overtaking him. “How long would it take? How many more tests before his wife confronted her split? My God, my son feels his balance is suddenly snatched away from him!! How long before his champ loses his innocence in an unstable environment?”
He cried silently while Jahnvi was busy lighting another smoke in her room.
On other days:
It was on a late night rainy evening that a confrontation with Prantik brought Jahnvi down to her knees in pain.
Prantik had just returned home from work. These past few months he worked harder just to keep his sanity intact. He wouldn’t return home until after 11 every night. He did this to overthrow Jahn’s split in a chaotic mess. A mess he hoped would do what he had planned for her recovery. But he also knew the Saxenas’ were tethering on raw ice. The home had lost its charm. Rihaan stayed in his room most times, exerting his energy without his mommy’s bed time stories into VR games that bordered towards machine over man. Neetu tried her best to bring in normalcy by spending time with Rihaan but she wasn’t his mommy!
Prantik skipped lunch on most days at work as a way of punishing himself because his wife had just stopped eating completely as Neetu had informed him. He knew it was going to be a difficult process of healing his wife but he had never imagined Jahn being careless about their son.
Jahnvi’s split: “So where were you Prantik? Warming your toes in bed with your colleague? What happened darling? Have I lost my charm? Are you repelled by my mere presence now?”
Prantik: “I think it would be better if you just washed yourself more often Jahnvi. Also, allow the cleaning staff to clean your dirty bedroom more often than not. You reek of smoke and honestly, I wouldn’t need a better reason to yes, “warm my toes in bed” with the next girl on the street at the rate at which your insecurity overpowers you, it’s disgusting.”
Jahnvi’s split: “Of course I disgust you baby. You know what they say about old wives becoming hoes.”
Prantik: “Jahnvi!! How dare you abuse my wife! You’ve got no self control and I am losing it. I can’t take you caving into your fears and insecurity anymore. For god’s sake, Jharna is just a colleague.”
Jahnvi: “Oh yes, every other woman is until they appease mens’ appetite.”
Prantik: “You know, fuck you! Fuck you and the misery you put Rihaan and me through. I am not fucking sorry for deserting you years ago!! Looking at you now, you bloody deserved it.” With that he stormed out of the living room and walked calmly but nervously into Champs room.
Jahnvi’s split left her and she collapsed in the living room. She cried in helplessness. She cried because she was failing as a mother and she cried because she was losing the love of her life. She curled into a ball in bed and dreamed of the times she was in control and with her son as his mommy. Then she woke up and lit another cigarette to deal with that loss.
Rihaan: “Daddy! Daddy!!” The little boy was overcome with joy seeing someone apart from Neetu in his room lately.
Prantik pulled the covers up and stayed in bed with his son. He was tired and his soul had dried but he cheered up looking at the innocence of his son. “So Champ, how’s school? Keeping up with your homework right? Your teacher called, she mentioned something about you sitting in class during playtime and avoiding John and Riya.”
At that Rihaan hugged his daddy and just stayed in that position for some time. Prantik could make out the environmental change at home in the past few months had scared his little toddler. And then his son spoke with fear and pain, “Daddy! Mommy doesn’t love me. She doesn’t read bedtime stories to me anymore. She is in her robe all day. I want Mommy back! I have no energy to play with Jahn and find Riya’s doll anymore. School work is as usual though. ”
Prantik cried inwardly before he picked his little one in his arms and decided to let Rihaan grow. Like they say, “It takes a village.” Be it, honesty will preserve him better than ignorance of the situation that will destroy him. “Okay champ, hear me out. I have something to tell you about mommy.”
Rihaan: “What Daddy? Is mommy dying because she smokes too much?”
Prantik: “Okay so Champ – Mommy is unwell. She is sad about something daddy did to her years ago. Now mommy is consumed with sadness and irrationality. She is two Rihaan. She has two sides.”
Rihaan blinked once. Then twice and then suddenly he wasn’t three and a half anymore. He said slowly, “You mean mommy won’t come back to us? That she will stay in her room forever? Daddy! Let’s help mommy! Make her happy again!! I promise I won’t ask for my usual breakfast anymore. I just want mommy back.”
Prantik couldn’t have been more proud of his lineage. His successor would, now he believed, truly conquer the world. He said optimistically, “Champ, mommy will come back. It’s just taking longer. Promise you’ll take care of her? Eat with Neetu, do your homework and play at school? Let this not affect you?”
Something in the little boy snapped and he said with grit of a dicey childhood but love for his mommy,
“I take care of Riya, I will take care of mommy. I promise. Lighten up Daddy, I am Spiderman!”
Prantik hugged his son tightly and a river of joy flowed through father and son. Son knew he had to take care of his mommy and the father knew of the lost childhood of a son that had grown overnight. Despairingly they both slept together that night. The next morning was different for the home.
Rainy July:
Jahnvi was losing control by the day. She no longer brushed on time and if she did, it was to oblige her once upon a time normal side. She stayed in bed long after morning sunshine and smoked to destroy and hate herself more with every passing minute. She didn’t eat at all. If she did, it was a bite here and a bite of bread crumbs there. She was ashamed of herself, yet she had no control over the regularity of her duties as a mother and wife. She was consumed with anxiety of losing her husband.
12 pm:
Jahnvi brushed and that day her split didn’t over power her. She changed into slacks and a warm sweater. She actually ate some yogurt and avoided tea. She did light a cigarette but she stubbed it mid way and in a moment of pure resilience, she got her laptop out and wrote the fifth tenet to normalize mental health:
Anxiety-
Anxiety is in itself a whole disease, a sickness that consumes your rationality. It’s like you’re in a state of a nervous trance- A trance of fear that culminates into insecurity and then translates into every minute stress. Stress is but the enemy of mankind. Stress overpowers your ability to stay calm and just think practically. A higher form of stress, if not taken care of, then becomes constant stress also known as anxiety.
In this handbook, it is my effort to transform everyday anxiety into power by simply requesting patients to train their vulnerable minds to see beyond stress. One advice- “When you feel uncertain about any outcome in life, breathe 10 minutes and let your mind see through the futility of anxiety.” You will see then through the eyes of your rational mind that anything that is worrying you from within is honestly beyond your control. And it’s best known to go with the flow when you’re not in control of the outcome. Direct that anxiety into a physical form of outlet and sweat it out. The more your mind gets that exercise, the more detached you will feel from fleeting worries.
There’s no psychological way of dealing with anxiety. The only true medicine is physical redemption. Got anxiety at work? Go take a long walk and put your rationality in use again. Know that your thoughts and worries are not bigger than your ability to overcome any uncertainty with dignity that which comes from the fourth tenet – Acceptance.
Accept your worst fears and make peace with them. You will see that you’re not stressed out anymore.
For well wishers, treat the anxiety in patients with positive affirmations and hear them out in a detached way. For – Suppressing doubts is but the biggest tyranny of man. Don’t let your loved ones go through doubts by themselves. The best you can do is after listening to them is reassure them that no matter what happens, they will get through it like thorough professionals of optimistic humanity.
What anxiety does is it essentially puts your rational mind to sleep and all you see is problems over opportunities. Physical outbursts like hard training or simply expressing those fears to a well wisher in return of reassurance is priceless.
7 pm –
Prantik came home early for the first time in the last five months and smiled watching Jahn on her laptop. He just stood at the doorway admiring his wife. She had lost a lot of weight and even looked emaciated but his love for her knew no bounds. Jahnvi looked up and caught him staring at her. She suddenly felt over the moon. The biggest problem for Jahnvi was that she couldn’t imagine her life without Prantik. Prantik knew that. He went up to her and kissed her forehead.
They both knew her split was on a day’s vacation so they went into their son’s room and as a family lay together with their son in his bed and Jahnvi read a story about a Robot woman who fell in love with a man. Was that possible?
Rihaan wedged closer to his mommy and fell asleep in fitful sleep, in her arms, after five whole months. Jahnvi softly cooed into her son’s ear facing him, “I am sorry Rihaan. Mommy is sorry.”
In bed, there was calmness in Jahnvi she didn’t know existed but true strength comes for you when you don’t even know you have it. She knew what to do.
Prantik on the other hand thought, “Jahn is right now the Betty to my Veronica. I like vivacious better than carefree.” Then he smiled to himself and drifted into sleep of long waiting.
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