And he said, “Neetu, follow me.”
There, my Johnny-on-the-spot came in with a tray of tea
Jahnvi’s split lost out to his mother
Who grieved in silence the loss of his daddy
It didn’t matter anymore
For she was single but taken
Jahnvi didn’t sleep that night. They were a family, all cuddled with their son in his bed who slept dreamily in his mommy’s arms but Prantik was awake and thinking how to speed up the process of his wife confronting her split and Jahnvi was thinking how to put an end to her misery she felt without her husband.
Jahnvi knew her split could get her anytime and she would just leave Rihaan’s bedroom and go to hers but gratefully her split left her alone that most important night of her life. She made a decision- A decision that she wouldn’t fight her split anymore. Her split was after all a part of her nature. A nature she had adopted to defend her pain she had felt without Prantik eight years ago, a nature of reclusive treachery with herself and a nature that was self destructive. Well, she wouldn’t fight it anymore. She would work with it.
Jahnvi understood that accepting the fact that Prantik may never be hers’ forever didn’t mean she had to destroy herself anymore and lose out on the gift of raising her goofball.
Jahnvi marveled at her son, now cradled in her arms. Rihaan was a healthy toddler. Slightly wheatish like his father, popping cheeks with short boy fringes that took all the attention to his cherubic wide eyes and a mischievous smile. A little bit of a cute paunch covered, usually in sports jerseys and rude boy denim shorts. His podgy arms on Jahnvi made her smile so lovingly at her son that she promised she wouldn’t miss out on the fun of bringing him up.
She didn’t know how she would do it considering her split never allowed her to function normally but she knew she had to make her split adopt the nature of a mother from here on. God knows what sort of a mother would her split become but she knew a mother in her split had arrived.
As for Prantik my darling, I’m single but taken. Taken as a mother but single as his wife!
The next morning onwards:
7 am:
Jahnvi had just about slept an hour ago and Prantik lay wide awake in anticipation. Rihaan broke their spell.
Rihaan: “Mommy! Daddy! Wake up!! I have to do everything in this house! Mommy my breakfast, daddy you drop me off today and lets pick John on the way.”
Jahnvi was aware her split was seething in irritation but she dumped the dumb bitch in her head and woke up to kiss her son and seeing that Prantik heaved a sigh of relief.
Jahnvi got off the bed and with great determination she carried her little boy to the shower, bathed him and asked Neetu to dress him up for school. Prantik ran to their bedroom after months and threw out all the clothes from the wardrobe in excitement. He shouted, “Jahn! Where’s my ink blue shirt and gray trousers? I’m late for work! Get my breakfast ready and briefcase on the couch.”
Jahnvi smiled lovingly and hurried into their room. She didn’t need to fight her split since she dumped her in bed! Victory!!
Jahnvi: “Prantik you will have to put all the clothes back in!” She dug out his outfit for him and placed it near the bed stand while Prantik showered. She ran into the study and collected his latest prints on the app codes ready for development and put them in his office bag on the couch.
Jahnvi then ran into the kitchen and prepared her son’s breakfast and with Neetu’s help she prepared a quick wrap of lettuce, chicken breast, tahini sauce, cherry tomatoes, avocados and a drizzle of onion sauce in ready to heat wheat rolls. She fed Rihaan, served her husband and then settled her toddler’s school bag and gave him a treat of three Twixs for him and his friends. Kissed him and her husband and they both left for their worldly responsibilities.
8 am -
Jahnvi hadn’t worked in 5 months and the last hour was the most amazing hour of her recent life. She felt complete again. But just when she was about to run into the shower herself, her split caught her off guard.
She meekly made her way into her bed and lit a cigarette.
1pm –
Rihaan came home from school, happy in months and asked Neetu where his mother was.
Neetu: “Baba, mommy is in the bedroom.”
Rihaan stood still in the living room. Then the promise he had made to his father came to him. He said, “Neetu, make tea and follow me.”
Rihaan followed by Neetu approached his mother’s bedroom and knocked.
Jahnvi: “Rihaan? Baby is that you?”
Rihaan: “Yes mom. Open up.”
Jahnvi: “Come in.”
Jahnvi’s split left her and Jahnvi smiled ear to ear. Her Johnny-on-the-spot was there with a tray of tea for her. She got out of bed and picked up her little man.
Rihaan: “Neetu put the tray on mom’s bed. Thank you. Mommy! Have some tea and eat these cookies.”
Jahnvi thought that this little one was so decisive at almost 4 years. He spoke like his father- Like law of the land.
Jahnvi: “Yes, boss!”
Jahnvi made an effort to eat under the watchful eye of her son. Rihaan sat with his mom until he was convinced all the cookies were gone. Jahnvi laid her head on the bed post and she said, “Beta, will you ask Neetu to serve you lunch? Mommy will quickly freshen up and then the two of us can get your homework out of the way?”
Rihaan had heard his father say something a lot of times to his mother and so he repeated it without effort, “Sounds like a plan!” At that, Jahnvi laughed after a long time. Her little man hurried into his own bedroom, changed his clothes and ate his lunch with Neetu.
Later at night:
Jahnvi and Prantik still slept separately but now it was routine. She didn’t know that Prantik slept with Rihaan most nights. On one of those nights, he confided in his son the humor of their situation with a purpose for him to view life lightly in all aspects. Prepare leaders, nurture examples.
Prantik: “Rihaan, wanna know a secret?”
Rihaan: “What, what, what, daddy?!”
Prantik: “Mommy is my Betty right now! Hahaha”
Rihaan: “What’s Betty daddy?”
Prantik: “Okay so there’s an amazing series of comics called Archies. My time, long time. Anyway so this is about two mad girls falling for the main hero who is a complete useless fellow. His name is Archie. Betty is like what Mommy is when she isn’t dressed up and your real mommy is Veronica -vivacious and completely uptight; ready to save her comfort at any given time!”
Rihaan: “Daddy! Hahahaha!! I’ll call mommy Betty now!!!”
Prantik: “Ya, do that son, let’s see how she reacts!”
The next day:
6:30 am:
Jahnvi woke up distraught. Her split had captured her and she hated everyone in the house! She was so angry she wanted to kick Prantik out. Jahnvi knew what was happening. Yes, she smoked a dam cigarette but she told her split off like she had during her pregnancy. “Not around my son! You get it?! Not with him!! Now fuck off!”
It took the life out of Jahnvi but she made her way into Rihaan’s bedroom. He was asleep. She gently lay beside him and rubbed his back.
Rihaan woke up and laughed and then said something that Jahnvi never thought she would think was funny. Rihaan stuffed himself in her lap and said, “Betty, Oh Betty mommy, why do you harass my Veronica mommy?”
Jahnvi was so shocked she turned him around and saw that mischievous smile and then she clasped his face in both her slender hands and they both laughed loudly.
Jahnvi bathed Rihaan, fed him breakfast, and packed him off in his school bus with a treat that now was becoming a habit – Today was a huge pack of some Korean Shrimp chips. The things Neetu got her hands on at the mall! She would have to talk to her about this.
July 17, a day after that day:
7 am:
Rihaan: Mommy! We’re going to be late!! Hurry up. That’s why daddy waits for you in the car.
Jahnvi: “Rihaan, Mommy is literally feeling Veronica today. Five minutes okay?”
Jahnvi came hurrying into the dining area. Dressed in a silk white lucknowi kurta and pants, hair pinned up daintily with a slight touch of pink lipstick, rouge and a pair of beige peep toes with a Channel handbag, Jahnvi was today Rihaan’s Veronica mommy.
It was his open day and a monthly parents’- teachers meeting was due after that.
Jahnvi called the family driver and uncle was ready with the car. Prantik had left early that day for work. Not like she questioned it anymore. Something inside her was becoming only a “two faced” mother at that point. She didn’t know she was preparing unconsciously for her split to split completely into pieces in a few months.
Jahnvi picked Rihaan’s school bag as usual because well, when mommy was with him at school, it was her job to carry the master’s bag! The guts these kids have these days.
Jahnvi was wedged between two more parents waiting their turn to meet the class teacher. Rihaan, she didn’t know where he was playing and fooling around. She got up to find him before their turn arrived and found him in the corridor playing with his friend John and one more boy she didn’t quite exactly know of.
Jahnvi: “Rihaan, come, it’s our turn next beta.”
Rihaan held his Mommy’s hand and they both faced Mrs. Rose, his standard one class teacher.
Mrs. Rose: “Ah yes, the beautiful Mrs. Saxena. Let me tell you that Rihaan has started playing again at school. That’s good. But he never pays attention in class and says his Mommy will help me out.”
Jahnvi wanted to laugh but she turned sternly to face her brat and said, “Really Rihaan?”
Rihaan kept shaking his legs in anticipation for the meeting to get over. He had work to get done in school while mom was there.
Mrs. Rose: “Our little boy is mischievous but is a good man overall. He doesn’t exactly ace his class like he can but gets distinction so it’s nothing to worry about.”
While the PTA was on, Rihaan was playing with some seniors in school with John.
One of the seniors: “Bro, it’s your treat today in the canteen.”
Rihaan: “Chill bro, as long as my mother has my daddy’s card, we’re good.”
Jahnvi wasn’t surprised when she found Rihaan waiting in the school canteen with a dozen other little ones.
Rihaan: “It’s on me today.”
Jahnvi: “Oh God Rihaan, you’re like your father. What leadership strategy are you on now? Always keeping everyone happy like your dad.”
Rihaan: “Daddy says that big men don’t bite, they serve it right.”
Jahnvi: “You know, I am getting a feeling, this is about your chance of playing basketball with the seniors, right?”
Rihaan: “Mommy! It’s fun!!”
She then reached the canteen counter and Jolly uncle laughed whole heartedly, “Ah, the generous Mrs. Saxena!”
Jahnvi was so embarrassed but now it was a monthly ritual.”Jolly uncle, serve the kids whatever they want. Here, let me swipe in advance.”
With that, she left Rihaan at school and hurried back home before she had no control over Betty.
12:30 pm:
Jahnvi hurried home and Betty hadn’t taken over yet. She thought today she had a chance of getting in the 6th tenet from the mental health handbook before Rihaan returned from school in like an hour.
She reached home and went straight into her bedroom. She got her laptop out and was about to write when she paused and thought why she was writing the 6th tenet that binds all the previous five tenets together.
She lay in bed and thought about Understanding. She got her phone out and made a video diary on her situation that led her to understand her feelings of sickness in progress.
Dear Diary,
I have to understand that I am a split personality. I don’t know when I will get rid of it but until then I need to live with it. However, I refuse to live in shambles of my sickness. I understand that my split counters me every second but I need to get a hold of it and dominate it all over again for the sake of my son. I need to live with being sick. Yes, understand the trauma of it and live with it until I get better. What’s a smart way to do that? Live with your split. Accommodate it. Accommodate that nature of self destruction you adopted eight years ago. Instead of fighting it and being depressed about it, embrace the split and give it the love it never had when Prantik wasn’t around. Teach it to calm down and love life again. When you dominate your split, don’t reprimand it, it only aggravates it even more and so it keeps coming back in rebel which is the root cause of your sickness. Love it, nurture it and be aware and observe it at all times.
Then she switched her laptop on and wrote with precision about Understanding as a tenet to normalize mental health.
Understanding –
Embrace your fears. Yes, embrace them and your fears will love you. They will help you work through the hurdles of the unknown blockages that deprive you of peace of mind. Like I said, fear is the root cause of any mental health sickness. Here comes the 6th tenet that will help you understand and counter act your fears moving on – Reason your fears. Understand the practical possibilities of your fears.
You know when we are sick, worry and fear of the unknown captures our ability to think clearly and practically. We get swayed with uncertainty. That’s when we internalize our fears instead of expressing them and understand the logic of our fears. Most fears you will then notice our mind made up. Like we are all babies in our subconscious, we are naturally a fearful species because like our ancestors – Apes, we don’t live in the forests. We camp within concrete walls and so our fears don’t evaporate in thin air. They in fact rule our better judgment.
When in doubt, you test your practicality. You will notice that no fear is bigger than your strength to face the unknown. Isn’t that life? Unknown? Aren’t we all guessing what’s written in our destinies the next minute? Well, we don’t know so we shouldn’t care. Instead, think of fear as an instinct that will make you aware and prepared for any consequences. Give out the energy you want to receive from the universe. Act with self-respect instead of buckling with fear and acting distraught.
When fear takes over you, take a moment to understand what you fear, be ready to challenge it and move on in life. What has to happen will happen anyway so why care? Live in the present moment fully and your future moment will definitely be the same as your present moment – Calm. Be ready to face the consequence with stamina and strength and yes, most importantly with self-respect. Don’t fight, don’t breakdown, don’t cry, just respond calmly to every situation and you will see you’re doing just fine! Your fear will pass the moment you understand the practicality of it's one in a million possibility.
2pm:
Jahnvi walked into Rihaan’s room. “Beta did you get lunch?”
Rihaan: “Yes Mom, were you writing by the way? I can tell from your face.”
Jahnvi smiled and sat next to her son on his bean bag where the boss was playing games.
Jahnvi: “Yes betu, and you know what? Mommy is feeling good despite Betty being here right now!”
Rihaan jumped with joy and said, “Okay mommy, can we go get some ice cream after I come back from playing in the evening?”
Jahnvi stood up and said, “You’re on Spiderman!”
Jahnvi then ate something and thought about calling Prantik. She didn’t. She instead decided that she was at peace right now being a mother both as Betty and Veronica. She would deal with Prantik when the time was right.
Little did she know the next day she was going to disconnect a chord of dependency with him and free Betty for good in the coming months. The dependency that was the fear in fact that she couldn’t survive without him.
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